I wrote this in *2019, during a season when dating apps were very much part of my life. I was swiping, matching, unmatching, overthinking bios, overanalysing silences, trying to make sense of a dating culture that was both convenient and exhausting.
I’m not dating at the moment, and I’m not on the apps right now. But rereading this recently, I realised how much of it still reflects the same questions I’m interested in today. The ones about honesty, kindness, expectations and what happens when we start treating people, including ourselves, as disposable.
So this is more of a time capsule and a collection of thoughts from someone who was very much in the jungle, learning in real time. I’m sharing it here as part of Imperfectly Human, because even if the circumstances change, sometimes the patterns often don’t.
And if I ever do wander back into the swipey wilderness, I’ll probably read it again myself.
*I’ve also made some updates to some of the language cause, wow, a lot has changed since 2019.
It’s clear that our culture has become very particular about dating. Who we date, how we date, and how we connect. There are more rules and tips than ever, all promising to help us have better experiences or win someone over. Whether it’s our own ideas about the perfect partner, advice from YouTube coaches, or old beliefs about relationships, it can leave us feeling torn between wanting a relationship and staying single.
I want to discuss the dos of a dating method that 100 years ago would have been ridiculed, eye-rolled and disbelieved. Dating apps and internet dating have undeniably become the ‘easier’, more accessible option. We now let our index fingers and thumbs decide our fate / next date. Sometimes we accidentally swipe back into cyberspace someone who could be a great match. He could have been the one.
A lot of us think we are ‘too busy’ for dating, which is why apps are convenient. No time for such a thing. How else are we going to find the time to binge-watch Game of Thrones and scroll through media feeds, adding things to our basket on the Temu app only to wait 4-6 weeks for them to arrive? There just isn’t enough time.
We are not too busy; we are just becoming lazy. Take Tinder, for example. Tinder has been described as the McDonald’s for sex, right? And how do you order your food at Maccers these days? That’s right, with your busy little swipey fingers.
And these apps have made us lazy, in the sense that we now know how easy it is to get a date, a hook-up, or a relationship. So, dating has become just as disposable as the gherkins you toss off from burger to bin. And that, my fast food fanatics, was not a euphemism.
Anyway, I avoid imposing rules and must-dos in my writing. The world already expects so much of us.
Instead, here are seven suggestions to put the fun and kindness back into dating. You don’t have to take them on, but there is a much kinder way for Tinderellas, Bumble bees, Hinge lingerers and Plenty of fishers to avoid dating becoming as unlucky and disappointing as McDonalds monopoly. (I’ll stop with the McMetaphors now, I’m not sure why I keep using them.) My advice isn’t to help you find love by changing everything about your gorgeous self – it’s merely a strategy to help men and women bring more honesty and enjoyment into socialising.
Seven ways to swipe right, or at least, a little better:
1) First, decide what you are looking for, be real, be honest, be true to yourself. If you’re looking for friendship, company, non-committment, no-strings, then say so from the beginning. Don’t waste time. If you are looking for something committed and long-term, say so from the beginning. Don’t waste time. That said, avoid assuming that everyone you match with is looking for the same thing you are.
2) My second suggestion? A picture paints a thousand words. Gentlemen, three selfies, a picture of you snuggling ya mates spaniel and another of you with your finger in a fish’s mouth is selling yourself short. And ladies, selfies are great, but so is wine: everything in moderation. Try to show more of you. Hinge is great because it gives you prompts for photos and stories. A selfie is fine, but a picture of your favourite place, a piece of art you have created, or an image of your favourite album is going to tell swipers more about you than a TikTok filter.
3) Thirdly, create a bio and read other people’s. If you/they don’t have one? Why not? That’s like sending a CV off without any employment history. Or a wordless eulogy (corrr imagine that?). I hear so many people say, ‘I’m not funny,’ ‘I’m not good with words,’ ‘I’m not *insert word here* enough.’ Of course, you are! You’ve been in relationships before, you’ve sustained long-lasting friendships and bonds. If you immediately brush yourself off as not something or not worthy of something, then you’ve told ya damn mind you’re not, and it’s created a little neuron narrative that now believes you are just that. Everyone is an expert in something, everyone has a passion for something and everyone in the world can offer something great.
4) In at number four: try and steer away from easily misinterpreted and generic phrases. One I used to see A LOT - “looking for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously.” Life can be a pretty serious affair sometimes, but we don’t all go around in a permanent state of sincerity. Another classic: “looking for someone spontaneous.” What do you mean by this? Dating apps can be pretty spontaneous...so can changing up the brand of your favourite deodorant? Or do you mean you want someone with an unpredictable temperament? For them to wake up one day and decide to move to New Zealand. Is that spontaneous enough for ya?
Other phrases, such as “no time wasters” and “honest people only”, imply to yourself and others that you only attract dishonest people who waste your time. Or you’re trying to sell an old washing machine on a Facebook Buy and Sell group. Dating should not be a platform to discuss past experiences. Maybe that will come later if it has to, but you don’t start a new job and talk about how awful or how great your last one was – you immerse yourself in the new experience.
And anyway, nobody wastes anyone’s time. Every fleeting meeting, every past relationship of 2 days, 2 months, or 22 years, is an experience that has brought us to where we are today and made us who we are. You’re still alive right? Well thank goodness for that one-night stand, give thanks for that bloody good ghosting, send gratitude to the ex-boyfriend who shattered your heart into a million pieces so much so that you are still finding little bits in the carpet…thanks to these lot YOU ARE STILL ALIVE ‘N KICKIN BABY HALLE-BLOODY-LUJAH!
Do list some interests, but please prevent insinuating that you are only going to be interested in ‘outdoorsy, spontaneous, travel-types, dog lovers with a passion for cooking, rock climbing, techno music, philosophy, surfing and scrabble.’ Jheez, we don’t ask for much, do we? It throws potential connections off - meeting new people should bring new experiences, new hobbies and interests. And anyone who writes anything along the lines of ‘if my dog doesn’t like you, I won’t’ or ‘I bet you can’t make me love you as much as I love my dog’ CAN GO AHEAD AND MARRY THEIR DOG.
5) When you match with someone, be brave with your conversation, and avoid the bland three-word exchanges. Get straight to it, honeys, stop wasting time and data. If they have a good bio, pictures that tell you something and you’re looking to date. Get dating! That’s when you really get to know someone. Save generic responses and arduous admin for your work inbox. Plus, if you get too into a textathon, that then becomes the norm. And when they can’t keep up the text thread after you’ve been hanging out for a while, you start to doubt and question things because before you were sending each other a thesis each time you interacted.
Ever heard of Breeze? It’s a no “no chat” app that sets up dates at partner venues for a £9.50 fee, which includes a first drink. I am in no way endorsed by this company or using the app, but I thought it was a really thoughtful way to do it.
6) Limit yourself. I don’t just mean your time on it, although we don’t want dating apps to become like the other apps we use - scrolling aimlessly, liking auto-pilot-ly and auto-polite-ly for that matter. You can set up a few time restrictions on your device for apps now. Swiping is addictive, and our brains release chemicals when we get a message or a like. Digital instant gratification is unhealthy. Let’s take it back to the real thing. But also limit connections, have three at the most that you are determining date worthy. It becomes too much admin otherwise and then you end up ignoring each other and that’s always going to make someone, somewhere feel inadequate.
7) If someone likes you that you are not attracted to, send them love and light. (Very eat pray love of me I know, but I used it a lot in life and I can honestly say it feels good to do). Either whisper to yourself or internalise a "thanks for the like, Steven, I appreciate it, but I am not attracted to you, I hope you find your match soon." It’s just sending out a bit of kindness and gratitude into a world that needs it most. We are not better than anyone and until we realise that and begin noticing our judgmental behaviours, dating will be a shit storm. And hey, who says you can’t be friends? The more men and women befriend each other, the more they learn about one another, right?
Dating should be fun. When men and women become aware (and bring compassion and understanding to their actions), they can begin to make better choices. As a collective have corrupted something that should be natural and enjoyable. So, show yourself some love first, remove the expectations, have fun and get busy with those fingers! Wait...not those ones, I mean, yes, those fingers, but you know, with your touchscreens, I mean. Stop it.
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